Rejection

I fall too hard, too fast, and each time there is nothing I can do, it’s too late already. There is no time for my brain to stop my heart from its irregular beating, and my breath to shutter at every touch, and the silly things I do when I’m around her.

She doesn’t do it on purpose, I know it. I know it, but still…

You know, I try not to look at her, I try really hard not to smile and build stories around people we see and houses and buildings we walk by. It’s too hard though, because I like stories, and because it makes me understand hers better. I long for every memory she allows me to catch, and I remember everything.

I also try not to dream about her, because I strongly believe that if I do, I will not be able to see her at all when I’m awake. And I can’t bare the thought of never seeing her again.

With that, I woke up every morning with a strange feeling. Rejection. The worst type of it, precisely. The one that people aren’t aware of. And I like her despite of that, despite of the fact that she doesn’t do it on purpose. She doesn’t know I like her. Or else she does, but she tries not to see it. She chooses not to see it. Either way, she made a decision. So every touch is a friendly one. Her smiles never reach hers eyes, because she doesn’t have eyes for me.  

With her, everything is contained.

You know how I try so hard ? Because everyday, when it’s time to say goodbye, I avoid kissing her at all. I choose to be awkward instead of giving her a kiss on the cheek and receiving one in return. I make a decision. I say « bye, see you tomorrow », and I wave at her as I continue walking on the street. And there’s this strange feeling again. Rejection. Hers, but mine too.